My lovely friend D, on her blog, has taken to making posts of funny quotes from her friends on their birthday; she keeps a collection because she’s awesome like that.
Thing is, D is also given to saying funny things. Frequently. So it’s only fitting that there be a similar post for her birthday. And, handily, that happened to fall on a Tuesday this year. So here goes. These are in tremendously un-chronological order, and some of them probably make no sense without context. You’ll enjoy them anyway.
“Yes… You were fuming earlier tonight because you remembered that more than a year ago, someone felt the need to tell you that there had been rainy weather.”
It’s a shame I’ll never have an opportunity to blackmail myself, because that right there would be prime material.
I was pretty funny for an eighth grader when I wasn’t trying to meditate on the horrors of war, the depths of human affection, or the bitterness of tragedy, and was just writing about what I knew.
I was caught for a few seconds in an ethical dilemma of whether or not it was acceptable to pretend that a Bible storybook was a ransom note.
Technology has progressed so much in my lifetime that I already feel like a cranky senior citizen, even though I’m not even a legal adult.
One of the things I like best about myself is that I’m able to kill spiders without it being such a big deal I post about it on Facebook.
My conscience is like a hyper-active Steve [Captain America].
Gaby: Because I’m knee deep in a river…
D: A RIVER OF TEARS OF DESPERATION FOR YOUR ONE TRUE LOVE.
But because I am slightly evil, I feel a need to point out that if any of the chicks die, it would be the ones you name Kili and Fili.
I think that you can go ANYWHERE and find people dressed in athletic clothes who have no intention of working out.
Some girls drool over pictures of attractive celebrities. I’m over here hyperventilating because of Ohio State library pictures.
Whenever I feel stressed about my future, I’m like, “Well, at least quicksand didn’t turn out to be as big a problem as I always thought…”
The only thing better than friends who understand your fictional characters are friends who are willing to become your fictional characters.
One of my greatest fears is that I’ll have a kid who is a normal human. I will have no idea how to raise them, having no experience myself.
I was thrilled to discover that the rope could fit on Mr. Green’s head.
It was a nice and clean restaurant so of course I didn’t eat anything.
We’re adults now, so we’re going to act like small children.
I tried to give Elizabeth instructions so she would know what to expect, and all this ended with me screaming, “YIELD TO ONCOMING TRAFFIC! YIELD TO ONCOMING TRAFFIC!” It was funny in retrospect.
Yeah, you press your wart and then it sings “Jingle Bells”!
The hippo has been dethroned.
I could be Jane Austen. I could write adorable love stories without ever being in a relationship, and then die fairly young.
Waffles fries smell likes happiness.
On Hollister: I don’t want to ever darken the doors of that store. Not that those doors aren’t already dark enough!
I still do that [get nervous about strangers in parking lots while sitting in the car] sometimes. Then I have to remind myself that, even though there are some creepy people out there, the statistical probability of EVERYONE in the Whole Foods parking lot being a criminal is rather unlikely.
GG: What are you innermost thoughts?
D: Cheese… turkey… and ham sandwiches!